Hard Conversations – Why They Matter Most (Part I of III)

When is the last time you had a hard conversation with yourself, your significant other, a family member, or a friend?

Most of us would pause as we rifle through our memories for that last hard conversation, which may be a long while ago. We tend to avoid such dialogues because they touch on sensitive issues that matter deeply to one or the other, or both, and it can have an impact on the long-term health, even viability, of the relationship. They require us to confront dysfunctionalities, insufficiencies, misunderstanding, differences, all of which may feel uncomfortable, threatening and overwhelming.

After such a conversation, there is often an expectation of a shift, change, and accountability. In short, that translates into behavioural change on one or both parties, be it physical gestures or mental expectations.

Relationships grow when we marshal up the courage to have hard conversations. The changes rendered indicate each party’s commitment to the relationship and their ability to be accountable, to collaborate, and to make meaningful compromises, despite the challenges and discomfort that often accompany change.

Another reason that contributes to the challenge many of us have in initiating a hard conversation is our lack of tolerance to withstand uncomfortable feelings such as the fear of abandonment. For instance, we may be anxious of the other person’s negative reaction and that in bringing to surface an unmet need or a difference, we may inadvertently shatter the illusion of a harmonious relationship. As well, if we haven’t seen modeling of how people can maintain connection even when working through a difference, we not only lack the skills to do so effectively, we often learn to avoid them altogether. Yet, avoiding hard conversations is costly to our deeply valued relationships in the long run.

Not being able to talk about what truly matters silences our authentic engagement in a relationship. We are denying ourselves the opportunity to be our full selves and to honour and respect all parts of ourselves. No, it does not mean we demand that our experience and needs are the right ones or the only ones that matter, but they get to be expressed and considered.

Being able to have hard conversations also indicates that both parties trust that the relationship is strong enough to hold space for and to acknowledge each individual’s voice. When both parties are willing to fully consider the other’s perspective and do the work in the relationship, the relationship can continue to grow and thrive. In contrast, side-stepping hard conversations bury substantive issues that will continue to fester beneath the surface and corrode the relationship from within. Resentment forms and disconnection ensues.