The Quiet Power of Self-Compassion: Healing, Resilience, and Growth from Within

Zoe gets into her car, slams the door, grips the steering wheel, and stares straight head in confounded numbness. Waves of shame, embarrassment, disappointment, and frustration surge through her. She wants to crawl into a hole, fill the opening, and never come out.

She has just finished a big interview for a position as a marketing executive – something that she has wanted for a long time but hadn’t had the courage to seek out until recent months, when work as an administrative assistant became suffocating. She spent days preparing her resume and answers to potential interview questions. She even joined Toastmasters to bolster her ability to think on her feet and to refine her public speaking skills. Yet, when the time came, something froze inside her, and even though the panel of interviewers extended warmth and the questions weren’t cryptic or difficult, she froze. That there was a panel of interviewers had surprised her, and something about three of the four being older, white males had stopped her cold.

Many of us have encountered situations that challenged us and left us feeling deeply discouraged, as seen in Zoe’s situation. We can get overwhelmed by a situation that our best selves have trouble showing up and afterwards we are not only bewildered but we are flooded by difficult feelings such as shame (“I am defective and not good enough.”), embarrassment (“I’ve done something unbecoming or inappropriate”), disappointment (“I have fallen short of my expectations.”) and frustration (“I am feeling angst for making a concerted effort but not reaching my goal.”) These are a few examples of the many potential feelings that arrive at the heel of a challenging experience.

What would be a healthful, less painful way of moving through this emotional storm?  We can continue to marinate in this dark morass of energy-draining self-flagellation. We can go further down this rabbit hole and then judge ourselves for having these emotions. All of which means, once the storm quiets down, we will expend valuable energy picking ourselves up and persuading ourselves to get back on track and persist.

Thankfully, there is a much more humane and effective way towards recovery, namely, the practice of self-compassion. At first glance, some may arrive quickly at the conclusion that is it about self-indulgence, excuse-making, self-pity and encouraging of laziness and “being soft.” Upon closer examination, however, self-compassion entails none of these elements. What constitute self-compassion are mindfulness, connection with humanity, and kindness towards the self in thought and in action (motivation to alleviate suffering).

Mindfulness has become part of the common parlance and is most often associated with meditation. Peeling back a layer, it is about noticing what is happening in the moment in our mind and body, recognizing our suffering, and witnessing the immediate process with clarity and without judgment. Being able to name what is happening, including identifying our emotions in the moment, allows us to stay connected with ourselves and hold ourselves in a safe space as we begin to unpack our inner process. If directed to another loved one, it would be hearing that person out, staying curious, holding space with deep acceptance for what is. Notice that there is no criticism for what we are going through, why we are feeling certain emotions, nor rush to try to resolve the issue or push away challenging emotions.

Once we are able to connect and accept our inner experience, we get to step back and embrace the shared experience of suffering with the rest of humanity. In Zoe’s example, she may think to herself, “Goodness, this is difficult and really sucks! I get now how people can feel so deflated and self-loathing when they’ve tried so hard at something but doesn’t succeed!” We acknowledge that while the present experience is painful, this is pain is shared by other members of the human tribe, and we are not alone in our suffering. There is a universality in our suffering. In this process, we are also expanding our compassion towards others by allowing ourselves to relate to a shared experience.

Feeling connected to ourselves and others calms existential anxiety and allows us to nurture the motivation to resume our effort towards recovery and continuation. We can look inward and ask ourselves, what do I need in this moment? A warm beverage, a quiet space, a full-body hug, or a walk? How can I give that to myself, under the circumstances? From here, we can begin to examine what had happened with us, and what the next best step is, which is unique to each individual. For Zoe, it may mean looking more deeply – perhaps with the help of a professional – how her mind and body had perceived a threatening environment upon seeing three older white males interviewing her and how to reframe and work through some earlier challenging experiences. In a simple situation, it may mean more exposure and practice of public speaking to build up greater confidence in this realm. We do the necessary work and practice self-encouragement to bolster our courage of trying again.

Without self-compassion, we continuously injure our self-relationship – the most fundamental of all relationships. We deplete our mental and physical wellness in turning against ourselves with self-criticism and self-blame. When we can turn towards ourselves with kindness, patience, curiosity and wisdom, and we recognize that our suffering is not ours alone, not only do we grow stronger, we develop a deeper compassion for humanity as a whole and strengthen our interpersonal connections.